


Sburb Couldn't Be Played By Only Four, Could It?

by MetroAutomaton



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fantrolls, Many POV, Multi, SBURB, Self-Insert, Swearing, Troll Romance, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 21:39:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7123486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MetroAutomaton/pseuds/MetroAutomaton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Juan Herrera, and you're pumped for the release of the beta of a game you've been obsessed with lately. Unbeknownst to you, this could end up in your death and that of everything you hold dear. But hey, you've got your pals with you! and the game seems to be easy enough. Could it really be that bad?</p>
<p>(A bit too late into the homestuck fandom? FUCK YEAH! Horrible title? YOU KNOW IT! do I care? nah. here, have a fanfic!)<br/>THIS IS A WIP</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sburb Couldn't Be Played By Only Four, Could It?

A young man lays on his bed in his one bedroom of a home. It just so happens that today is his 17th birthday. However, his naming has been skipped for the last four years, but no more. Today, being the proud owner of his own name plaque, he shall carve it now!

 

===>Enter name: HUELEAMIERDA ESTEPENDEJO...

 

Nice job, dickfuck. Hope the reader understands spanish or else the joke's existance is alienating at the worst.

 

===>Enter name again: JUAN HERRERA

 

Ah, much more like it! Your name is Juan Herrera and, as was said before, today is your birthday. You don't do much when they happen (mainly because you moved out from your home when you started college), but you are happy you turned older and are considered, ya know, a more respectable person and whatnot. You are very interested in the relationships of people, and often find yourself lost in thought as to what two people would be like in a relationship. You are also an avid (though not that good) roleplayer. You like to Talk in neat, full words, even if it is somewhat cumbersome, though some abvreviations are good jams.

 

===>Inspect Room

 

Strewn about your room are random collectible objects (mostly toys, dice and cards), the chlothes you wore the day before and your laptop. Near your bed is a small fridge, and beside it, a table that has an electrical burner with which you cook your foodstuffs. It's not much, but it's a living you guess.

 

===>Juan: Get up, you lazy bum!

 

Ugh, no need to shout you asshat. You get off your bed and go pick up your laptop. You use this half decent piece of junk to talk with your... maybe 7 friends using a chatclient named "BudMail". One of them you know pretty well (she is your girlfriend, duh), but the other six you have never seen in person. You also use your laptop to play videogames. Mainly RPG's and shit like that. However, today it shall play a new beast entirely. Your good friend, whom you only know as 'blazingTightrope' got you a code to download this new game, SBURB, which was to be released today. he just told you it was like 'your human game, the sims' and nothing else... You are not sure if he is an alien or just weird.

 

===>Juan: Stop pussyfooting and make food!

 

You decide to set your laptop somewhere while you cook something to eat. As you fire up your computer, immediately your friends start pestering you through BudMail, mostly giving you birthday wishes and the like. You decide to pick a random contact (sadly, your girl isnt on at the moment) to chat with and you decide to open the chat labeled "blazingTightrope".

 

===>Answer blazingTightrope:

 

-blazingTightrope started trolling MetroAutomaton-

bT: how is the w-day dewde dewing? wish I could be there cawngratewlate ya persawnally, my guy. O0u0X

MA: Just fine, bro. Got out of bed and am making b-fast yo.

bT: glad to hear yew're dewing kewl. how does it feel to be 8?

MA: Uh... Fine I guess? I was 8 like, 9 years ago, tho.

MA: Silly

bT: Durp. Fawrgawt yew dawn't celebrate wriggling day, i feel silly.

MA: Uh-huh. So, you get your sburb copy today?

bT: yah, i'm installing it right now!

bT: whoa, i'm remembering my earlier days. O*w*X can yew believe the thing has an instruction manual? i'mma read it and send yew guys a summarized version. you could kill a lusus with this bitch.

MA: That sounds both terrifying and cool, dude. They don't want you to die right away. I can't wait to play it c:

bT: Yew and yewr matesprit are gonna play it with me and my buds, rite?

MA: If you mean Lizz, you can bet your ass we will! She isn't on yet, though. But she told me she got a pre-release copy yesterday. Gonna try to talk to her after I'm done with my morning routine.

MA: Us 8 are gonna have such a blast!

bT: yeeeeeh. well, i'll leave yew to it. i'll link ya the instructiawn summary when i finish it.

-blazingTightrope ceased trolling MetroAutomaton-

 

===>Juan: Sit down and eat your breakfast. 

 

Well, it sure was nice talking to the guy. You let out a tiny sigh as you sit down on your bed again, your breakfast in front of you and your laptop beside you, still bleeping with 'you got a message' jingles and the like. You live alone in your small appartment, conprised of two rooms. One of which comprises your bedroom, kitchen and the entrance. The other one is the bathroom. Family and friends to come to visit you often. You wonder what will be of your life in college and are thankfull to be able to have a vacation near the time of your birthday, since the mere idea of having to go to college on your birthday SUUUUUUUUUCKS AAAAASS!

 

===>Answer FoxyRadiation:

 

You sigh and grab the empty dish which once contained food and go to the bathroom to wash it in the sink. As you do, you pick up your laptop and set it down somewhere where you can answer your messages as you wash the miriad of dirty shit you left there. You come across a chat labeled "FoxyRadiation".

 

-FoxyRadiation started trolling MetroAutomaton-

FR: (=`w´=) FA sneaks up to her human buddy before pouncing him to the ground "Happee Wriggling Day, Fuckhead!"

MA: -MA falls over under the weigh of his 'troll' friend, chuckling a little, although he is mostly confused-Uhm... Thanks? that isn't what I would expect for a "congratulations"

FR: (=-_-=) "Sheesh, Can't Yoo Axept The Love From The Best Of Yoor Troll Friends, Fuckhead?"

MA: Sure, I guess. Though it does weird me out a little that half our conversations are roleplays. Not that they're bad or anything, I love it c:

FR: (=¿_?=) "Well, Yoo Know Me. I Love Them, Too. Got Your Copy Of The Game Yet?"

MA: After I'm done with breakfast and when I finish chatting with you guys, I'll start downloading it. By the looks of it, the thing is heavy af.

MA: I'm so exited c:

FR: (=*u*=) "Glad To Hear Someone is Exited For The Game Too. Your Matesprit Gonna Play?"

MA: I wouldn't play without her. She hasn't been on this morning, tho.

MA: I'm gonna try and talk to her after you and I're done talking, K?

FR: (=-_-=) "Fair, I Guess. Talked To Aneebodee Else Yet, Fuckhead?"

MA: Well, I spent like 20 minutes chatting with bT. Y'know? I Still can't believe I don't know you guys' actual names after being friends for like a year already.

FR: (=^^;=) FA rubs the back of her head a little bit "I'm Prettee Sure You'll Find Out Once We Start Playing The Game. Hope Yoo Don't Find Us Too Weird"

MA: C'mon, with all the 'pawrn' bT sends me I'm desensitized to all the weird shit you guys could have.

FR: (=`~´=) FA growls a little bit and taps her foot slightly. "Remind Me To Scold bT Later. He Shoulnd't Be Sending Yoo Pornographic Material! You Have A Matesprit!"

MA: It's not like I watch it. And when I do, it's mostly stuff my girl and I like to watch anyway, so it's no problem c:

FR: (=*o*=) "Wow, Yoo're Lucky To Have A Matesprit That's As Fucked Up As Yoo Are, Fuckhead"

MA: IKR? Anyway, gonna try to talk to her, see ya later, FR.

FR: (=^.^=) "Bye"

-FoxyRadiation ceased trollong MetroAutomaton-

 

Once you're done washing and shit, you step into the shower, leaving your laptop on your bed before you do. After about 10 minutes, you walk out and sit on your bed, opening your girl's chat and smiling expectantly. You two got together a while ago and you're happier than you could ever be, even though being in college kinda cuts your time spent with her.

 

===>Talk to SingingSnow:

 

\- MetroAutomaton started mailing SingingSnow-

MA: How's the sweetest girl in the world?

SS: I dunno, who're you talking about?

MA: You, obviously.

SS: then she's doing just fine. she's on a bus with her phone in her hand.

MA: Srsly? Why're you on a bus? Thought you'd be at home :c

SS: Silly, I'm going to your home to check up on you!

MA: Have I mentioned how much I fucking love you? Because I don't know how many times I could say it c:

SS: You say it about a thousand times a day. though you are right, you don't say it nearly enough :3

MA: You're the best c:

SS: :3

MA: c:

SS: so, you get your game yet?

MA: It's downloading right now! My troll buddies are getting kind of annoying. They just won't stahp with the birthday wishies! Is crazye!

SS: uh-huh. I'm still not sure if I'm gonna like the game... but I'll do my best. It's your birthday and I want you to be happy

MA: You're not gonna guilttrip me into not playing the game. c; I'm not that dumb... well, I am, but I'mma play this. I gotta!

SS: -.- worth a shot I guess :3 talk to you when I'm there, honey! :3

SS: hope you'll help me download the thing when I'm there.

MA: Wish we could chat some more, but I guess you're busy. :c

-MetroAutomaton stopped mailing SingingSnow-

 

Well, that was so nice. You sigh and look at the installation screen of your game, a bored look on your face as the damn thing just says 'downloading' and the percentage thing goes up so. FUCKING. SLOW! And the little game gibberish words appear there, flashing excedingly quick for such a slow download. You let out an annoyed sigh and look between your other contacts. MAybe one of your other troll buddies might keep you entertained while the damn thing downloads. You randomly pick one with your finger, which ends up in front of a chat labeled "drunkensaturni". She's... difficult to talk with but you don't precisly hate her. you guess it can't be that bad if you just chat for a while.

 

-drunkensaturni started trolling MetroAutomaton-

ds: Yo.

ds: BRo?

ds: 1'M HERE!

ds: C'MoN, DoN'T LET A S1S HANG1NG!

MA: Hi, ds! sorry for the wait. I was talking to my other buddies.

ds: oH. oK. UH... oH YEAH! HAPPY WR1GGL1NG DAY MoTHERFuCKER!

MA: That's the spirit. c:

MA: how are ya doing, my clowny friend?

ds: JUST WANTED To SEE HoW MY MoTHERFUCKING BEST HUMAN FR1 END IS ENJoY1NG HIS WR1GGL1NG DAY C=

MA: Well, I'm happy, my girl's comming over and all! Also, my copy of Sburb is downloading and shit but it's so goddamn slow. It's unreal :'c

ds: YoUR'S Too? MAYBE YoUR 1NTERNET CoNNECT1oN 1S JUST ABSoLUTE SHATSKY? =?

MA: it is. It's not even my own connection. It's my shitty neighbor's wifi.

ds: ooF, RIP Yo. BUT HEY, 1 THINK THE GAME 1S oFFL1NE oR SoME SH1T. 1T'S L1KE A NEW STABLE VERS1oN oR SoME SH1T L1KE THAT. THE Po1NT 1S, 1T'S GUNNA BE GEEEEEWD!

MA: Who taught you how to type? bT?

ds: YHAT SACK oF FAT SH1T? NEH, 1 DoUBT HE CoULD TEACH ANYoNE HoW To TYPE 6n9

MA: :? Why'd you hate him so much? 

ds: PERSoNAL MATTERS, BRo. 1 DUN WANNA TALK ABoUT 1T. AT LEAST UNT1L 1 GET To KNoW YA BETTER. 

MA: well... okay then. I'm... wait, the ground is shaking. Talk to you later.

ds: UMMM... F1NE? TALK To YoU LATER, BRoS1F =?

-drunkensaturni ceased trolling MetroAutomaton-

 

===>-Go the fuck outside!

 

You glance at your computer for a moment, seeing the download is about halfway through, before sprinting out the door, you luckily live on the second floor, so you just go down the stairs quickly and find yourself in front of the door. As you peek out the door, you see two things. The first is your girlfriend exiting the bus, and looking towards the sky. the second, is that the sky is a darker color than usual, and something big is falling in your direction. oh fuck.

 

-Grab her hand and go back to your laptop.

 

You decide the more sensible thing is to spend your last hours with her, so you grab her luggage before she can even say hello, and drag all of it into your home. Before you can do anything, you look at your laptop, the game... has finished downloading and it says something quite... interesting. You look at the screen for a few seconds before reding it out loud. "... Server Player: [-]... Client Player: [-]." Both of you start panicking as you try and see what the hell is up in the news, however, the blank space which shows your client player, starts to get filled up with two words "Server Player: [ blazingTightrope]". WHAT THE FUCK DOES ANY OF THIS MEAN!? As you wonder what you and your girlfriend just screamed, you notice that stuff in your room is starting to disappear, and something odd appeared. You look at your girlfriend and then down to the laptop, before picking it up and opening the MailBud chat you had going on with bT.

 

-MetroAutomaton started mailing blazingTightrope- 

MA: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! 

bT: ok, dawn't panic, braw just... breathe a bit and lemme tell yew what's gawing on. 

MA: Just. Talk. The world is ending and shit is appearing and disappearing from my room! 

bT: saw, the game ends the wawrld and yew are sent awn an epic quest or whatevs. 

MA: You the fucking fuck serious with this shit? 

bT: mawre than ever bro.

MA: Why in the ever loving christ are you so calm?

bT: i'm kinda figewred it all out. i already gawt far enawgh intew the game that i dawn't need tew wawrry at all O0u0X

MA: Wow, in just a few hours? Colour me impressed, I guess.

MA: Help me. Jegus fucking christ this house is going to die, and my girlfriend and I with it!

bT: i see yew twew in the house. yew shewld gaw hug her awr some shit, she's nawt quite cawnciaws. just lemme dew sawme shit. i'mma build an alchemizer. threw away yewr load gaper.

MA: You threw away my toilet.

bT: yes.

MA: ...

bT: ...

MA: I can deal. what do I do?

bT: for now, grab something to use as a weapon and hold on tight to your girlfriend. this gon be brewwwwtal O*w*X

MA: See you soon. :c

-MetroAutomaton ceased mailing blazingTightrope-

 

You look at your girl for a few seconds and grab the closest thing to you (a small, super sharp white kitchen knife you keep around) and it is immediately stored into your sylladex. From your sylladex, you grab it, and decide to turn it into your strife specibus. Was about time you decided which one it'd be, what better than something to cut peeps! Your girlfriend seems to have fainted due to the pressure (can't blame her, honestly) and you go over her and stroke her hair. Maybe the instruction manual your pal sent you has enough shit to help you understand what you must do. After about two hours of reading the damn thing, you suddenly hear shit breaking, and two things suddenly jump through the window. Shit, they must be those imps the instruction manual was talking about. There's two enemies, your only weapon is a shitty shank and one of those horrid things seems more interested in your girlfriend than attacking you. What do you do?

 

-Kill Mode, Engage!

 

Ain't it fucking obvious? You start making noise, catching the imps' attention, before jumping at one of them and stabbing it, as yous tab it, the imp just sorta... poofs away, leaving behind what looks to be candy you've never seen before. Must be the different types of grist the manual was talking about. You'll worry about that later, you say to yourself as you run towards the other enemy and repeat the process from before, except this time, it drops a load considerably bigger than the one before it. You pick up your laptop, your girlfriend's stuff and your girlfriend herself and stuff them into the bathroom, which has no windows, thus no entrances for the imps other than your door (and maybe the hole your toilet leftwhen your buddy placed your alchemiter), and start kicking ass, inadvertedly collecting the grist from those monsters you were just fighting moments ago. Well, if you just need to learn how to spend all of this shit, you would consider yourself a millionaire. After about two hours of taht shit, no more imps seem to be showing up. aside from the fact that there's a meteor faling, you thing this could be a good time to start talking to somebody and ask for help.

 

===>-Mail blazingTightrope

 

-MetroAutomaton started mailing blazingTightrope-

MA: please tell me you're the fuck here. :c

bT: what's up braw? yew enjawing your game?

MA: Sorta. Got a lot of shit. What do I do with it? 

bT: yew dew nawthing fawr now, it's my jawb to wawrk with that. imma start building shit, it's about time yew prawtawtype your kernelsprite O*w*X

MA: oh yeah, the instructions and shit...

MA: I'm gonna look for something to prototype the sprite, you... drop my bed onto the crux-thingy or whatever while I look for a picture or shit.

bT: ok, brawther. wanna know what i prawtawtyped, juan?

MA: Ooh! Lemme guess. Your weird goat porn! :D

bT: close. i actually just slapped in my lusus. managed to kill her with the instructions manual OT_TX

MA: Oh my gog, I'm so sorry. :c

bT: well, she's kind of alive, she DID become my sprite after all O~w~X

MA: Well, I think I found somehting I can use to prototype it.

bT: mind if i ask braw?

MA: Gonna throw in a plushie I've been meaning to fix for a wihle but haven't had the time.

bT: aight, braw. I'm gawnna keep building shit with yewr grist. btw, check awn yewr matesprit. y'knaww, update her awn the shitstawrm.

bT: sorry we ended your world O;~;X

MA: Don't worry about it bro. It was bound to go down anyway. c: Besides, I'm in the same sesh as you guys

MA: Gonna see if we can get her game working so I can be her server player.

bT: take care braw. you two are kinda needed in our session.

MA: I am going to worry about that later.

-MetroAutomaton ceased mailing blazingTightrope-

-blazingTightrope started trolling MetroAutomaton-

bT: i fawrgawt tew tell yew. my name is Sixtus. Sixtus Brimes. O0u0X

-blazingTightrope ceased trolling MetroAutomaton-

 

You sigh as you see your kernelsprite leaving the cruxtruder. The thing looks sort of cute just as a... black ball of wobbly shit. Sorta reminds you of cells and shit like that from biology class. As the kernelsprite is released you feel the ground starting to shake. if the meteor wasn't going to evaporate you before,you're damn sure it will now if you don't hurry your ass up. You quickly throw a bear plushie that has a few rips along the belly. You close your eyes as the thing takes the shape of a bear's... head. Cute, you guess as you move to more pressing matters. You move to your girlfriend and start shaking her a little bit, you're damn fucking sure there's gonna be more imps coming for your asses and you don't want her to be asleep during that. As she wakes up, you start asking her what was of her day, while you install the game into her laptop, and she immediately starts telling you what was of her day.

 

===>Juan: Be the Girlfriend

**Author's Note:**

> SO! Chapter 1! who know's if I'll do this to it's maximum extent. I just wanted to do this because I recently got into homestuck. There won't be an author's note on every single chapter, but I'll make sure to add something every now and again. maybe I'll do a litel bit of a recap sometime. who knows? also, this is my first work on AO3!


End file.
